Marriage, Culture and the Family of God

“So how does it feel being back in Tana?”

I was sitting in my living room chatting with one of our short-term missionaries and he asked me this question. It was not a surprising question, I had been back in Antananarivo for only a month, having just returned from a brief furlough in the UK visiting friends and family. It was the first time that we had returned to England since beginning our new lives in Madagascar, so it was a big deal in many ways.

Even though his question was not surprising, it still stumped me as to how to best communicate it. We had been warned in our missions training about “reverse culture shock” – where we would feel discomfort and out-of-sorts being back in our own culture upon returning to the UK. Our family were all bracing for this peculiar sensation, and yet, we felt no noticeable difference. Not much had changed in the two years that we had been gone, and apart from a few small reflections regarding our culture in comparison to Malagasy culture (e.g. it’s much quieter in London than Antananarivo!), the Lord had graciously preserved us from reverse culture shock. In actual fact, everything felt joyously familiar and lovely, and we delighted at seeing our friends, family and supporting church family. This then led me and my wife to wonder: “How will we feel when we return to Madagascar?” If everything in the UK feels so warm and fuzzy, will returning to Tana just bring back the intense culture shock that we felt when we arrived in Tana for the very first time? Will we have to do all the adjusting again?

“So how does it feel being back in Tana?”

I think that my short-term missionary friend was surprised when I reported that we were very happy being back in Tana, and that everything felt familiar and nice. Well so was I. I couldn’t believe that the transition first to my English culture on furlough and then back to Malagasy culture in Tana on our return were so… seamless. How was this possible? Thankfully I had already been reflecting on this very question so that I could answer my short-term missionary friend with an analogy that has come to mind in recent times – and it relates to marriage.

When a couple first begin dating, or even when they have become engaged, meeting the in-laws is an important part of the journey. I can only comment on my experience of in-laws (obviously, other couples have totally different perspectives), which has been wholly positive, and I love them dearly. But initially, when you meet the in-laws, you spend a lot of time feeling your way around your relationship with them. Working out where you fit in. Trying to belong. Adapting to their different ways of doing things. Enduring their foibles and eccentricities. It can be quite hard at first.

But for me, as I spent more time with my in-laws, familiarity ensues. And I started to realise that God was multiplying my family in a beautiful way. Those on my wife’s side of the family love us, pray for us, weep with us and rejoice with us as much as my side of the family does. And, certainly, those idiosyncrasies that I found difficult to bear are still around and still grate at times. But the shock has passed and whether I am with my family or my wife’s family, that’s just what it feels like – family.

This has also been my experience with being a cross-cultural missionary (again, I’m sure that other missionaries have different perspectives). At first the Malagasy culture was strange, inexplicable, even hostile at times towards me. It was difficult at first to adjust to the new surroundings, culture shock was certainly a part of our lives. But it faded. God helped to soften our hearts and lower our guard towards the Malagasy. Slowly but surely, God multiplied our family to include the Malagasy within it. This has been felt most keenly with our Christian brothers and sisters in Madagascar. The family of God is a truly wonderful mystery, the ties that bind us are so strong in Christ. He can enable us through his Church to cross cultures, nations, languages and backgrounds and still feel the familiarity of your own family. It doesn’t mean that those cultural eccentricities don’t still jar, nor does it mean that there aren’t times when we don’t feel like we belong or feel different. But we praise God that the overriding affection we feel is that whether we were back in England, or here in Tana, that’s just what it feels like – family.

“So how does it feel being back in Tana?” It feels like visiting the in-laws. Sure, they are a bit different, but God has given them to me and they are now my family too, and I love them just as much.